Coming Back Home

Yesterday I came home to my Dad’s house for the first time without him here. It was hard. A dear old friend of mine who has been through the same experience came with me so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. She and another friend of ours were with me. They have both lost both of their parents so we are are the “Dead Parents Society”. Rather grim.
Its hard to describe the sense of loss that you feel when you first enter your parents home and neither of them are their to greet you. I think a lot of people don’t want to stay in the house alone after both parents have died there but not me. There is some sense of comfort in being here. Like some of their energy is still here comforting me making me feel like I will be able to go on.
I am still having trouble shedding the tears that I know are bottled up inside. I keep holding it back for fear that if I start I won’t be able to stop. I have cried some today but each time I start I catch myself and hold back. I don’t know why I do this. Sadness is a natural emotion and its important to be able to cry and feel the emotion.
I listened to some music that helped a little. There is an Allison Krauss song “Simple Love” that in many ways reminds me of my Dad and how he loved my mother and that helps me let go a little bit. But I just can’t seem to let it go.
I really would like to just sit in the floor and sob but I just don’t know how to let it out.
More to come tomorrow.